Hey loves,

Only two more months remaining to the end of the year and I can’t really pin point which of my goals I achieved this year, the year went by so fast. Life happened. I was happier when the year started, shortly after, my bro dies and everything just went dark. I once again started grappling with everything, I was again unsure of my life.

Doubts settled in and I slowly saw myself de-linking from the world itself, started having bad thoughts almost every minute of every day. You all know what over -thinking does to someone.

This time the overthinking was doing me more harm than good, it started affecting the people around me, my mom noticed, Benazir was literally going through it with me. And I thank her for that. I couldn’t really say what my problem was, I laughed with everybody but once they left me alone for a few hours, I was left sobbing!

I was beyond reprieve!

Worst thing is when you don’t know what your problem is. So guilt eats you up, You feel like you’re being ungrateful for the little things you’ve been given by the Almighty. You can’t share your agony with anyone because you low-key know what their answer will be… “Nasra, say alhamdulillah, you have this and this and that.” The list is endless. So I opted to avoid that topic altogether, continued smiling, and after a while I became the queen of feigning smile and laughter!

I realized losing my brother was just the trigger of all my deep-seated anxiety and depression, it had been rooted so deeply inside me that I couldn’t tell it apart from my ‘normal’ self. I was so lost in it that I became a pro.

The year 2016, I cut my hair, not because I was trying to be fancy, I just needed to do something drastic and cutting it was therapeutic, this time around however I couldn’t do that again, I was just immune to the whole thing. I was okay not being okay. I even joked with close folks that ‘stress and depression is part of life’ I was far gone.

I lost interest in everything I once loved doing, I hated when people asked, “So what do you do nowadays?” or “We don’t see you nowadays, where have you been ?”  I hated it so much for I didn’t know what to tell them. I wanted to scream my head out when they told me “oh, you’ve got potential so why aren’t you doing anything ?.” Oh how I wish they knew my self confidence was on level 0, how I wish I could tell them to leave me alone for I  just FELT so worthless. I wanted to let them know that I was tired of playing dress up, what’s the point ? After all, It didn’t matter to anyone so why should it matter to me.

This is exactly how I felt behind the mask I crafted so well. The mask that took so long to install, it had no scars, it was perfect for my face. I was comfortable living in it.

By the time I was realizing this, I had started school again, irony being I am psychology major now (haha) and I am here low key having mental issues. Did a sub-unit of stress and depression and I finally had proof that indeed I was having a mental breakdown and that I needed help.

Africans being Africans. I didn’t look for a therapist. I don’t know why? but I’ll tell you this; I am re-inventing myself as I type this down.  I am not recovered but at least I have hope that it will be fine.

I realized my thinking too much about the future, the past and the present made me not see the will of God.

A lot of the times if you take stock of your life you’ll realize and understand the reason why you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, constantly thinking and over thinking and more so being unhappy is simply because you are so de-linked from the creator himself.

Constant anxiety is linked with fear of the future and depression is linked with one being stuck in past events – I read this somewhere. That statement right there has helped me.

The manuscript of life is simple just pray and everything else will fall into place but we are humans and we just want to torture ourselves with worry. It is almost a part of us. Without fear and worry you are nothing.

My solace since I re-discovered myself has been constant prayers, the mere belief that everything happens for a reason and soon I will be incorporating fasting in my life.

I promise myself to live one day at a time – this would be hard for sure but In shaa Allah by the will of GOD I know I will do it. I want to go back to the old me – I don’t even think I remember the old me, but I know I will.

Benazir (my sister) is seated beside me as I type this and the first words that come from her mouth after proof-reading this article is , “Wow! deep, I hope you follow your advice for once.” I am hoping I do it too, ‘follow my own advice’ LoL.

This is an open letter to anyone who is going through something, you are not alone!

So I’ll leave with this quote by Gary Vay-ner-chuk.

“So many of you think you can control life, it’s just not real, so many of you are crippled when things don’t go according to plan, that’s ridiculous, nothing should go according to plan, that’s life! Please stop wishing and start living in reality and understand the world doesn’t revolve around you, the world revolves and you need to ride the rotation” (Garyvee,2018).

I hope this reminds you that you will be fine.

Thanks for stopping by, do leave your thoughts.

Love and Light.



  1. oh my God i can feel you sis. i lost my mum and things took a turn after family wasnt family anymore things werent the same anymore that was almost 9 years ago and believe me you i still strugle with that in a 100% i have only improved 1% thats almost 9 years ago i just learnt to leave with it but the effects are still there i got this bad anxiety disoder thats out of hand and i know i do have anxiety problems that just visiting the hospital makes me anxious, sleeing alone and very small things in life but am hoping that one day things will fall all in place old things old me biidnillah. best luck sis this is what makes life and we will be fine again

  2. My condolences to you and your family. I honestly feel where you are coming from. I get trapped in the deep end at times. I cry when I’m alone. There’s too much anxiety that comes with over thinking. May Allah give you peace of heart. ♥ ♥

  3. Sorry about your brother’s loss Nasra,May Allah grant him Janatul Firdousa. You are a strong and kind hearted human, you will get through it In Shaa Allah. Sending you lots of love your way ❤️❤️

  4. I’m your fan dear,we are all human and at one point we fall into such scenarios,Wherever you are may you find the strength to come out strong.I love you Siz and thank you for this.in a way it helped me.May Allah’s love and blessing be upon you love.

  5. I am sorry you went through all that, being a psychology major myself I can imagine how it must have felt. I am happy that you’ve passed the early stage of treatment and inshaAllah Allah SWT heals you completely…
    I completely agree with what you wrote that we should trust Allah’s plans for us and leave our future to him, although I know it’s sometimes hard for me only because my imaan gets weak. inshaAllah we get more chances of strengthening it..
    Hope you recover soon and may Allah SWT guide you, Ameen.

  6. MashaAllah…I must say you’ve voiced the troubles of many. May Allah give us all ease in every single struggle we all go through. So simple yet so sophisticated!

  7. This was deep, raw and beautiful! A lot of people can relate to this, anxiety is a monster and when you let it run your life you won’t have any say in it. Believe you are worth more than what your anxiety and depression let’s you to believe. Carry on praying, writing and especially the remembrance of Allah. He the Almighty himself said, verily in remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace. May Allah protect us all. Thank you for sharing this, most people including myself can relate. Kudos!

  8. nasraaa …wallahy I felt every word…subhaanAllah..I’m happy you’re recovering….may Allah make it easy for you n your family….n that you be even better than the old nasra…mwaaahhh…love you 😍😍…tuko together ka jubilee!!

  9. May Allah Grant him Janna. You have spoken for alot of people who are silently in depression. I can relate to your pain I almost lost my sanity sometime back Your article has made me cryyyyy. May you find peace within yourself sis
    It will be well In Shaa Allah ♥️

    1. I really am glad you resonated with my article, i pray you’re good now and May Allah guide us and give us peace, Ameen!

  10. May Allah grant him highest rank in janah ameen
    I hope you recover completely I’m touched with your words.

    Lots of love🌸

  11. Nasra! This is deep and pole about your brother. Just as you said in the article nothing happens we plan and it’s one belief that has also kept me going. Stay strong friend and I look forward to reading more stuff from you

  12. First of all am sorry Nasra for the loss of your beloved brother,May Jannah be his place and may Allah grant him forgiveness.MaashaaAllah sis,your words have touched me a lot,many of us do go through depression and anxiety at one point or another of our lives but Walahi there is no better cure than Praying and crying in Sujood to Allah s.w…..May Allah help you recover fully and much much appreciated sis for this well placed words.

  13. Sorry about your recent social trauma. Loosing a brother is by any stretch of imagination painful ordeal and I can only imagine what you went through .Depression is real. A cursory look at the risk factors ( death of a loved one) being one of them, makes many aggrieved persons undiagnosed candidate. Am glad you wrote beautifully about it and hoping you touched many lives who are sinking or silently suffering from the same. Seeking professional help is very IMPORTANT and the lack of it can be very detrimental to the affected ones. That explains why many Africans household ignore, deny or talk hush-hush about major negative social trauma episodes including ;death,depression,anxiety,rape,rejection and mental illness. Psychology should be fun for you😀👉.Equipped with the experience you seek and a one way ticket to social trauma, you come out triumphantly and I can only wish you the best as you change the narrative within your circle.

  14. Waaaaa, *wipes tears* this is deep and I now understand where you are coming from.You can wear that beautiful smile for the world but deep down your own thoughts are eating you up.Im glad you’ve shared ,embraced and willing to “fight” what you are going through .I will pray for you!!

    2017 taught me that life happens and I have no control.Live your best and make peace with everything…..hugs mama and my condolences to you and your family.

  15. Really sorry about your brother dear. I know u will fight this and you will be okay. You don’t have to be the old Nasra, just be the good new you. Am glad you are looking unto God as he is the only one who is constant and can renew your mind. You are still great, just know you are loved.

  16. My condolences Nasra, this has really touched me. May Allah grant him Jannah. Remember this dearest, If Allah took from you what you didn’t expect to lose, believe that Allah can give you what you don’t expect to have. Just be patient, prayerful and have faith in Allah.

  17. MashaAllah first, you’re brave my dear. I can understand what you went through, the exact smae thing happened to me last year when i lost my bestfriend, whom we did everything together, i was traumatized for a whole year, didn’t even knw what i was doing, i changed my social media, cut off my friends, never went outside unless work en school.
    It took me time to overcome my traumatization, but Alhamdulillah i understood eveything is temporary that’s when i workedhard to be better person, en save myself from drowning. I started reading quran more en doing prayers at night. It helped me alot by becoming more calm, sister may Allah bless you, you will be okay so will be everything else., inshaAllah😘😘♥️♥️♥️

  18. Omg I can feel you my sister , I don’t know if I can say depression or something else but I have been through the same . I never knew who I was and what I wanted to do for my life till now . I have lost interest for what I wanted to do in life because of some reasons . But alhamdulilah am tryna get back the energy and courage I lost long ago. And I pray I make it successful insha Allah. Wish ya the same too sister .

  19. It’s often difficult for those who are lucky enough to have never experienced what true depression is to imagine a life of complete hopelessness, emptiness and fear. Read surah ad duha my dear friend and I will keep you in my prayers and thanks for representing some us who could not speak out

  20. It’s often difficult for those who are lucky enough to have never experienced what true depression is to imagine a life of complete hopelessness, emptiness and fear. Read surah ad duha my dear friend and I will keep you in my prayers and thanks for representing some us who could not speak out .
    May Allah grant him the highest ranks of jannah. Amiiin thuma amiiin

  21. You are not alone. May Allah make it easy for you. Just to congratulate you that you are on your way to recovery. Acceptance and acknowledgement and even writing this article has already given you a speedy headstart to recovery. Speaking from someone who was in a very dark place psychologically and emotionally just 12 months ago, alhmdulilh i realised that the only permanent cure to depression is indeed being close to Allah. I am happy you have already discovered that, increase your salah and other ibadah even if you dont feel like praying that sunnah, go ahead and pray. And eventually Allah will make salah a sanctuary for you. Also this might be a means for you to grow so spiritually close to Allah that you will end up sincerely thanking Allah for your hardships.
    May Allah make it easy for every single muslim struggling with depression.

  22. Sorry dear for the loss of your brother and what you’re going through.I believe it’s a phase and it will pass.10 Months now after losing my Mum and it still feels like yesterday.I understand the pain and the anxiety. I sometimes loose myself in overthinking, fear of losing another loved one, and not finding meaning to life.I have come to learn that no amount of words people say to me can heal or easy the pain, but I believe with time things will be okay.
    I’m glad you shared that because you’re not alone.sending love ❤️ your way.

  23. All I want to say is thanks for voicing out for the many that are out here. I know you are strong because u are already soo many steps ahead of us. For most of us, the problem is the realization of it, that there is something going on even if we can’t put a name on it. 2017 was a major one for me, I still don’t know how I came to today, all I can say is hang on. There are better days coming and give yourself time to go through it. In shaa Allah we will a come out better than we was before.

  24. First may allah forgive his sins and grant your brother jannah aameen, secondly i feel you sis i have been ignoring myself and not having any motivation for the past two years and over thinking while i was thinking that this is good i am ok and was trying to go through life i graduated but everything was still same then i realized that i was going through depression which resulted something i can’t tell here and i am trying to overcome it idk if i will be able to do that but i hope you also feel better and overcome it and find your old self ❤.

  25. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your dear brother Nasra, my most profound condolences to you and your family. Thanks for finding the courage to write about it , you are voicing what so many are going thru in silence. I hope this piece helps someone who’s struggling with the same.

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