Only two more months remaining to the end of the year and I can’t really pin point which of my goals I achieved this year, the year went by so fast. Life happened. I was happier when the year started, shortly after, my bro dies and everything just went dark. I once again started grappling with everything, I was again unsure of my life.
Doubts settled in and I slowly saw myself de-linking from the world itself, started having bad thoughts almost every minute of every day. You all know what over -thinking does to someone.
This time the overthinking was doing me more harm than good, it started affecting the people around me, my mom noticed, Benazir was literally going through it with me. And I thank her for that. I couldn’t really say what my problem was, I laughed with everybody but once they left me alone for a few hours, I was left sobbing!
I was beyond reprieve!
Worst thing is when you don’t know what your problem is. So guilt eats you up, You feel like you’re being ungrateful for the little things you’ve been given by the Almighty. You can’t share your agony with anyone because you low-key know what their answer will be… “Nasra, say alhamdulillah, you have this and this and that.” The list is endless. So I opted to avoid that topic altogether, continued smiling, and after a while I became the queen of feigning smile and laughter!
I realized losing my brother was just the trigger of all my deep-seated anxiety and depression, it had been rooted so deeply inside me that I couldn’t tell it apart from my ‘normal’ self. I was so lost in it that I became a pro.
The year 2016, I cut my hair, not because I was trying to be fancy, I just needed to do something drastic and cutting it was therapeutic, this time around however I couldn’t do that again, I was just immune to the whole thing. I was okay not being okay. I even joked with close folks that ‘stress and depression is part of life’ I was far gone.
I lost interest in everything I once loved doing, I hated when people asked, “So what do you do nowadays?” or “We don’t see you nowadays, where have you been ?” I hated it so much for I didn’t know what to tell them. I wanted to scream my head out when they told me “oh, you’ve got potential so why aren’t you doing anything ?.” Oh how I wish they knew my self confidence was on level 0, how I wish I could tell them to leave me alone for I just FELT so worthless. I wanted to let them know that I was tired of playing dress up, what’s the point ? After all, It didn’t matter to anyone so why should it matter to me.
This is exactly how I felt behind the mask I crafted so well. The mask that took so long to install, it had no scars, it was perfect for my face. I was comfortable living in it.
By the time I was realizing this, I had started school again, irony being I am psychology major now (haha) and I am here low key having mental issues. Did a sub-unit of stress and depression and I finally had proof that indeed I was having a mental breakdown and that I needed help.
Africans being Africans. I didn’t look for a therapist. I don’t know why? but I’ll tell you this; I am re-inventing myself as I type this down. I am not recovered but at least I have hope that it will be fine.
I realized my thinking too much about the future, the past and the present made me not see the will of God.
A lot of the times if you take stock of your life you’ll realize and understand the reason why you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, constantly thinking and over thinking and more so being unhappy is simply because you are so de-linked from the creator himself.
Constant anxiety is linked with fear of the future and depression is linked with one being stuck in past events – I read this somewhere. That statement right there has helped me.
The manuscript of life is simple just pray and everything else will fall into place but we are humans and we just want to torture ourselves with worry. It is almost a part of us. Without fear and worry you are nothing.
My solace since I re-discovered myself has been constant prayers, the mere belief that everything happens for a reason and soon I will be incorporating fasting in my life.
I promise myself to live one day at a time – this would be hard for sure but In shaa Allah by the will of GOD I know I will do it. I want to go back to the old me – I don’t even think I remember the old me, but I know I will.
Benazir (my sister) is seated beside me as I type this and the first words that come from her mouth after proof-reading this article is , “Wow! deep, I hope you follow your advice for once.” I am hoping I do it too, ‘follow my own advice’ LoL.
This is an open letter to anyone who is going through something, you are not alone!
So I’ll leave with this quote by Gary Vay-ner-chuk.
“So many of you think you can control life, it’s just not real, so many of you are crippled when things don’t go according to plan, that’s ridiculous, nothing should go according to plan, that’s life! Please stop wishing and start living in reality and understand the world doesn’t revolve around you, the world revolves and you need to ride the rotation” (Garyvee,2018).
I hope this reminds you that you will be fine.
Thanks for stopping by, do leave your thoughts.
Love and Light.